jumbled brain.

i can't wrap my head around monday. can you? i can't even tell you how many people i have told my weekend too and i stillllll don't understand it. obviously neither do they.

how do i get over this? i miss casedem so much it hurts. i miss being called jiff. and that smile. and that laugh, oh dear god it's cute. and his tenderness. you could tell when he really meant what he said because he'd get this face. so adorable. i miss his beautiful blue eyes. i miss his walk. yes he has a funny, unique walk. i miss his style. i miss his scent. i miss seeing "casey" in my inbox allll day long. i miss our looooong phone conversations. we talked on the phone for 4 hours once. about things we had never talked about in the 5 years prior. he told me all about his mom and his marriage and that night, i got to know casey more than i ever have. more than even his wife knows him. and the best part is that was almost a nightly occurrence. i miss his humor. casey was the funniest person i've ever met. oh man california, looking for bathrooms:) "adorbs" "chya" "sure sure sure sure sure" "i love you" :(:( what is wrong with this picture? i miss someone who lied to me, betrayed me, used me, led me on, made me cry, and hurt me..TWICE. The truth is, i don't miss that though. I miss casedem. MY casedem. i miss all of the things i've mentioned and soooooo many more. he really was a decent guy, up until Lucy joined his world and ever since, we've had constant confrontation.

i did a mass cleaning of my room this weekend (we're talking junk drawers, closet, under the bed..everrrything!) and i found an old school project we did together sophomore year of high school, which is were it all began:) and i found a card for my 19th birthday that promised we'd be hanging out more..:( my heart hurts.

unfortunately, you will never get to meet the boy i am talking about though because he is dead. is it a problem that i feel like my friend died? in all honesty though, i think this would all be easier if he HAD died. i wish there was a viewing i could go to so i could see him all beautiful and peaceful, resting. so i could say goodbye. so i could speak at his funeral and tell everyone what he was really like. how. is. this. even. possible? i'm sorry friends, bear with me. it's gonna be a looooooong road as i vent this out. this boy was my best friend ok? it's not like he broke my heart because we never got to "go out" or date or aaaaany of that. i treasure my friends. all of them. and now i can no longer call him one. i wish i could put what i'm feeling into words. but i never saw this coming. not again. my weekend in California was one of the best weekends of my entire life. i can't even begin to describe the fun we had. as i play back sweet things he said to me, or times he was concerned for me, or the time i called him bawling on the phone because i needed a friend, my heart aches and longs for that kind of friendship again.

AAAAHHHHH

what happened?


did i make this up?


what is going on?


this is sort of what my brain feels like right now. i'm trying to piece it all together and i just can't. everyone likes to hate him (heck i do too) but at the same time, i want to remember him fondly. hate is toxic. i want to remember casedem as a good good friend. i want to remember casedem every time i sit at that piano. i want to remember casedem as the boy in my photo strip pulling funny faces and smiling. THAT is my friend Casey Lee Deming, and i'm really sorry you never got to meet him:(


as always, please help me in praying. pray that casey finds peace with his decisions. pray that casey's family finds the strength and forgiveness to trust him again because Lord knows i cant. pray for me. i need help. i need courage and love. mostly love. i know i can get through this, but standing at the bottom of the mountain, it looks awfully big! and finally, please please please PLEASE pray for my momma. she really needs this job. our family really needs this job. not just financially but for her psychological health. i worry about her having a heart attack everyday.

love you.