It gets worse before it gets better

Two days into the new year and I feel like m o n t h s have passed. I'm not sure how I got here or how my life ended up here but, alas. At the present time(or ever on the internet, really) I cannot, should not, and will not go into details but my personal life is a m.e.s.s. Work is great! I have great bosses and work with great people. School is great too! I've been getting awesome grades and I have three more semesters until my dream is a reality!

It hurts to think that I wont ever be a good person in some people's eyes. Not to toot my own horn but my own profession is of a caring, loving, nature. I consider myself a caring, loving person but to them I am a beast. I am selfish. I am trash. I am scum. I cause problems. And as I have been told many many many many times (by them), what goes around comes around..I think that means my behavior towards them will come back toward me? Because I am awful to them of course. I am the reason everything is wrong. I hate that. I don't want to hurt anybody and my intentions at the beginning of this weren't ever to do so. In my opinion, and those that matter to me, I did the right thing. Given the chance, I would do it again. I don't like to be scared. I tried to feel safe, and keep everyone safe.

I don't know if everything will work it's way out. I don't know if it will ever be ok between us. I seriously doubt it. And that's sad. That's really really sad. But that's reality. This is my life and I guess it's 'not always rainbows and butterflies. It's compromise.' Oh Maroon.


And because this is a new year and I WILL NOT BE DEFINED BY THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS because I am my own person. I am a woman. I am strong-willed. determined. smart. stunning, even, maybe. feisty. and I will be the bigger person. God is on my side. I know they're his children too but God hates sin. And God hates hate. He dwells in the hearts of those who believe. He is here. He has been here. He will be here. Sadly, I know they will never ask for Him and therefore, He is on my side. And I thank God for that.